I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
