Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
