Betty ford says i'm here all night
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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