alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
