Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
