Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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