Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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