ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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