I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
