I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You are the jesus of drinking
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
