I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
