Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
