Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Dear god my vagina.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
