did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
