So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
