hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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