If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
