Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
