there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
