You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
