They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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