Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
