Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
