got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
