Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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