I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
