why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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