why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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