he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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