The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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