he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
