No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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