chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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