what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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