Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
