Kiss
Puke
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
