Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
