Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
