So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
A+ Viking dick
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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