We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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