i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
