Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
