I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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