I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
