I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
