just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
