Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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