The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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