my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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