Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
babies were throwing up all over the place
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
