I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
