Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
